


The words I repeat each year

by funkybear



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band), SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Friendship/Love, Gen, Happy Birthday Yanan, Heartwarming, Light Angst, Platonic Soulmates, wenyanwen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 09:09:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21159152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkybear/pseuds/funkybear
Summary: "Hey, do you remember when we first met?" Junhui asks, chuckling to himself.—Happy birthday Yanan!





	The words I repeat each year

**Author's Note:**

> this was birthed after I was walking around Paris very late at night listening to 224.12.  
blame kino for any angst thank you!! this is completely unbeta-ed but I don't care im off to see ptg now!! happy birthday yanan!!!!!!!!

  
"Hey, do you remember when we first met?" Junhui asks, chuckling to himself.    
  
There’s a fragile hand making its way to Junhui’s very own, fingers slipping through fingers, but Junhui cannot be bothered to pay it any attention. The silent force held in Yanan’s eyes is an invitation, a devious trap, but walking straight into them is what Junhui considers as the best decision he has ever taken.

Junhui can see the bright eyes looking up at him, a bright smile making its way to an even brighter face. It is accompanied by a small giggle that doesn’t last more than three seconds in reality, but will repeat in Junhui’s mind for much longer.    


Yanan was always so beautiful, wasn’t he.   


"You don’t even remember, do you?" Yanan scoffs, like he knows Junhui not remembering their meeting is the most obvious thing in the world. Truthfully, Yanan doesn’t remember either, but it was never important.   


It’s always been them. Junhui, and Yanan. It’s been more than a few decades by now, starting from a first meeting they both cannot remember, but a memory they know must be snuggled deep and comfortable in the warm ‘most precious moments in life’ folder of their memory. It was then followed by the numerous instances of completely coincidental meetings none of them had power over, and, if you watched it all unfolding, you would have witnessed the birth of a strange connection between two complete strangers.    


At this point in their relationship, where first meeting doesn’t matter anymore, the one thing they’re both sure of is that they’ve been together for longer to remember.   


“I just wanted to go down memory lane. I’ve known you for so long I didn’t even realize.”

“We’ve got all the time in the world.” Yanan assured him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  
  


_ “Surprise!”  _

_ The sudden voice inside his apartment made Yanan turn abruptly, clutching his keys in front of him ready to stab the first intruder. He heard a gasp right before the lights turned on, and he was met with Junhui’s surprised face, the cake he held carefully with both his hands slipping away, fleeing from the attack. _

_ Another gasp and Junhui fumbled to balance the cake on the plate, diving onto his knees to prevent the cake from falling further. Yanan grabbed Junhui’s arm and held onto his waist as a reflex, before joining him to the floor.  _

_ “Oh my god,” Junhui breathed out still in shock, holding onto the still standing cake and Yanan’s arm with dear life. “Please don’t scare me like this.” _

_ “What are you— what were you trying to do?” _

_ “I was trying to surprise you before you tried to murder me!” Junhui stood up, prompting Yanan to do the same. “Today is October 25th. That means it’s your birthday!”  _

_ Yanan’s expression made it so obvious he had forgot about it. It was like he lost complete notion of the day, only paying attention when waking up to check if he had to get out of the house.  _

_ “Is this my cake?” he asked, completely dumbfounded. Junhui only responded by a proud nod. Yanan continued, “Did you bake it yourself?” _

_ “Only the best for the best! What do you think?” _

_ “I think I stumbled into another dimension. I’m not very sure.”  _

_ “Wow, I assure you nothing changed since the last time I’ve seen you, and that was a week ago.”  _

_ “My world is a bit shaken up right now,” Yanan admitted. It didn’t faze Junhui. _

_ “I’ve just got to set it back on track then,” Junhui said confidently and motioned for Yanan to follow him into _ his _ apartment. _

_ “You’re awfully sure of yourself.”  _

_ “I am confident I know you better than anyone else,” Junhui affirmed, as if this fact was part of the fundamental laws of the universe, and Yanan chuckled.  _

_ There was no point denying the truth. _

_ Yanan sat at his table, ready to eat whatever Junhui’s surprise birthday party entailed. _

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


  
Junhui makes all of these exaggerated hand movements, head tilting backward whenever they bring up in conversation another of his stupid ideas during their university days. Like the one time they had started to lose their mind after a very (very) serious study session and Junhui’s brain was so fried it commanded his mouth to freestyle a verse about going out for mala tang while managing to convince his hands to tap a rhythm on Yanan’s back.    


They couldn’t study anymore after that, and started a cooking contest with instant hotpot packs they found in the kitchen.    


It wasn’t theirs, but Jiacheng was just careless enough to leave the two a lone in his apartment while he attended theater class rehearsal. He found out hours later when he saw his two best friends sharing a meal, and was extremely disappointed they didn’t let him be a judge of their little contest. Jiacheng doesn’t want people to know, but he really just wanted to eat hotpot.  _ His _ hotpot, but that’s beside the point.   


“That was a wild summer night, wasn’t it.” Yanan remarks, a proud smile on his lips.

“You know it,” Junhui grins, “best summer of my life, even if I was stressed all the time.” 

“I remember, you wouldn’t talk to me then.” 

Junhui scoffs, “you were distracting.” 

Yanan used to barge into his room at the dead of the night to complain about a particularly frustrating moment in his new drama, while Junhui was trying to convince himself he was studying and not watching YouTube videos all night. At one point, he even considered dropping out of school and starting his new career in youtube video-production, but Yanan wouldn’t stop making fun of him, and Junhui would concentrate  _ even less _ . 

He just couldn’t have Yanan alone with him for more than three minutes without giving the whole of his attention to the other male. Junhui’s inner concentration time limit was never that developed to begin with, but it was no use even trying to concentrate if they happened to be in the same room. Which happened more often than not, to Junhui’s demise. 

Their university days were only a few years back, but it feels like they haven’t been together like this in a much, much longer time. Junhui holds onto the feeling, while it’s still nothing but a weird sensation in his stomach. 

  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  
  


_ “Hug time!” Junhui didn’t hesitate for a second before diving into Yanan’s arms.  _

_ “What,” Yanan struggled with the sudden added weight, “please get off me,” he tapped Junhui’s back gently. _

_ “I don’t want to. You’re warm,” he pointed at Yanan, then directed his finger at himself, “and I’m cold. I’m a summer child, you know!” _

_ “Why does this have anything to do with you being cold? It’s not even winter.” _

_ Junhui whined. “I need warmth to survive. Help me?” _

_ “No,” Yanan rolled his eyes, “You know this apartment has a heater, turn it on.”  _

_ “I know, but the heater isn’t my favorite person in the world!” Junhui protested, meaning these words as a joke, but also like his life depended on it.  _

_ Junhui was always very good at being honest, and Yanan was just never very good at dealing with it.  _

_ He sighed and led Junhui by the hand toward the couch, where they could be more comfortable, sharing this warmth they’re both holding onto. Junhui started giggling like a maniac, and Yanan was so overwhelmed by this sudden urge to voice this, _ just this one _ out, so he did. “I hate you.” _

_ “You really do,” was the only reply he got.  _

  
  
  
  


_ *** _

  
  
  
  
  


Junhui always felt like he was the second lead of a comedy musical. Sometimes, Jiacheng would start singing out of nowhere, and Junhui would play along, creating a whole setting for themselves while Yanan would stay behind the scenes. Yanan said he “didn’t want people to associate him with this masquerade of fools”. He was always so poetic in his choice of words, wasn’t he? Junhui even welcomed the subtle insult. 

He was used to it. He knew Yanan didn’t mean any of this. Or maybe just a little bit, but he loved them too much anyway. 

So it’s weird now, when he gets a job for a tragedy. He was used to be the cheery person, smile blooming and hair fluttering after the spring breeze, but now, walking through the winter snow all clad in a black coat, he feels like a different person.

This person, people expect them to be inherently sad. You have to look heartbroken all the time, like anything else doesn’t matter but the one person you lost to the world. Junhui doesn’t know how to do that. 

He tries to drink black coffee, because that’s what inherently sad people would do. He dresses in mostly black, just for show. Black is his character, he said. He takes walks alone during the night listening to calm music compilations for a change of scenery. All of this doesn’t really help him get better. 

So instead, he reflects on who he wouldn’t be able to live without. His mind convinces him to think of his family, his precious little brother he hasn’t seen in a while. He must be too busy with high school now, he’s growing up into a fine man. The more he thinks about his brother, the more he feels like this wasn’t the way to go. His heart gets heavy, heavy with so much love for his brother and how proud he is of him. If anything, it makes him happy to think about his now not-so-little-anymore mini-second half of himself. So Junhui just gives up on the idea completely, and decides he will just have to do his best on stage, so he can make his brother proud of him too. 

The feeling comes crashing like a school trip bus falling from the road in the midst of its climb, because of the remnants of trees on the road after a heavy rain alert. A tragedy that could have been avoided, but was met straight on instead because of time restrictions. 

Yanan doesn’t come to any of his shows. On the first one, he meets with his high school friends. On the second one, Jiacheng comes with the most extravagant bouquet of flowers Junhui has ever seen, and they spend the night together conversing about the show, like they did before. Junhui doesn’t ask him about Yanan, because a part of him doesn’t want Jiacheng to think he’s only wanted to see Yanan all this time (even though Jiacheng probably knows already), and because another part of him doesn’t want to think Yanan didn’t actually want to come.

It becomes so weird for them to not attend anything the other produce his mother asks him, worriedly, “is everything going okay with Yanan?” 

And frankly, Junhui doesn’t have any answer to this. He doesn’t know if everything is going okay. It should be, because they’ve reached this level of mutual understanding, where it isn’t required to talk to each other every day, and it still wouldn’t change anything to their best friend status. But it’s been more than a month Junhui hasn’t seen him, and maybe they did talk a week ago when Yanan excitedly texted him “I got a ticket for your show!” and maybe, just maybe they started this inoffensive fight because Yanan didn’t want to tell him which day, because it was a “surprise.”

So Junhui just plays it off, affirms to his mother: “Of course, but he’s been planning this surprise for a week and he’s stopped texting me since, just in case he’d reveal anything. I’ll just have to wait and see.”

And really, just thinking about it brings a smile to his lips. He’s not worried anymore, because that was foolish of him to begin with. There’s a show left, and Yanan is going to make his surprise appearance with his dumb, stupid, lovely smile of his on, while he’s trying his best not to laugh at Junhui on stage. 

Man, this will ruin Junhui’s acting. He’ll just burst into a smile halfway through. So much for playing a tragic character. 

That’s just more black coffee for him. 

  
  


_ *** _

  
  


It goes surprisingly well. 

Junhui isn’t sure, though, if it went well for the good reasons. His co-star tells him, “This is the best you’ve looked through the whole play. Good job, Jun,” and Junhui fakes a smile. 

It’s weird that now, he has to fake his smiles. A week ago it felt too constricting to act like a twenty-four-seven sad person, and now he doesn’t even feel like laughing. Junhui thinks, this didn’t go well at all.

His eyes roamed through the audience a few times, with a glint of hope to see his special someone in here, watching him intently. It didn’t happen. Instead, he felt the pressure of countless of gazes from faceless no-names looking at him like he was the most pitiful creature roaming on earth, silently screaming and screaming again for something nobody but him would have understood. 

He calls Yanan, because he can’t take the silence anymore. He’s met with a handful of it. 

There is nobody on the other side of the line, nobody to tell him what he did wrong, if he even did anything like that. 

He tries to call his friends. Jiacheng, Minghao, Changgu, Vernon and Hyunggu. They pick up the phone, but they don’t have any answers. They all claim they haven’t heard about him in a while. He phones Yanan’s mom, and he must sound so pitiful, his voice on the verge of breaking, she says “I’m sorry, dear, I don’t know. Maybe you should go home.”

  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


The ride home is horrific.

Junhui is sure, he is afraid. Afraid of what will come when he will reach home, when he will crash against his mattress and drift off to sleep without the conclusion he was so desperately looking for. 

The silence is making him go insane. He plugs his earphones in, finally understanding the beauty of sad love ballads. Although it doesn’t really apply to his relationship with Yanan, the feeling is the same. 

He looks at his phone, waiting for a call, or a text, or maybe for Jiacheng to send him a funny congratulatory video to cheer him up, because hey, all his shows went well. He should be celebrating. Preferably with his favorite person in the entire universe. 

Guess the universe had other things in mind. 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  


_ “You know, for all the years we’ve been together, we never fought,” Junhui pointed out, scrolling mindlessly on his phone. _

_ “Oh no we did, you just didn’t want to remember it.” _

_ “No but hey, I’ve read this about how a healthy relationship comes from conflict. Where do you think we went wrong?” Junhui asked, phone discarded on the table. Yanan gave him the look again. The one where he’s debating whether Junhui is serious or not.  _

_ “If you think our friendship went wrong, then that’s probably where it went down.” _

_ “I don’t think that.” _

_ “Yeah? Me neither. You're probably stuck with me until you kick the bucket.” _

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


Junhui almost passes out from a heart attack. 

There is a dozen of pairs of feet stomping on the floor, a lot of white noise buzzing in his ears and very blurry silhouettes moving from left to right, right to left. It is surprisingly colorful. 

Maybe he did actually pass out. 

I mean, otherwise he wouldn’t be seeing Yanan panicked over him. Well, he wouldn’t see Yanan at all, unless Junhui left this world and he’s in paradise, and somehow Yanan is up here too, which is equal part terrifying. Junhui blinks, eyes closed.

“Please please please please,” Junhui hears repeated like a mantra, “please please pl-- Oh come on wake up!”

Junhui’s body drops on the floor, and that’s his cue Yanan figured it out. 

“It hurts! It’s rude to drop someone,” Junhui slowly opens his eyes, rubbing his arm. It makes a lot more sense when he allows himself to really look at what’s happening.

He can see Jiacheng and Vernon laughing at him from the corner of his eye, and he hears a small giggle that’s  _ definitely _ from Minghao. Of course. But then he tries to focus a bit more on the bigger picture, and there’s so much Yanan obstructing his vision he’s the only person Junhui can focus on. 

Junhui missed his face so much, he can’t help it all his attention is being drawn away and his brain can't function properly. He’s always been powerless against this. Against Yanan. 

“I was worried you were really out for a minute!” Yanan breathes out, worry evident in his voice. 

“I wanted you to take care of me.”

“You don’t have to fake it for me to do it.” 

Yanan brushes Junhui’s bangs away, so he could have a clear view on how serious he was. He’s sure Junhui knows already, he knows better than to doubt Yanan, but a reminder never hurt anybody. 

They share eye contact, before Yanan can’t take it anymore and looks away. “Come on, get up—” He gets interrupted by two arms wrapping around his neck, bringing him down to meet Junhui on the floor. 

Junhui doesn’t say anything, but buries his face onto the crook of Yanan’s neck, and Yanan lets him clutch his shirt tightly. His hands fumbles to the back of Junhui’s head to cushion it just a little bit, because he did drop him earlier and  _ maybe _ he’s feeling a bit guilty about that. Junhui just tightens his grip to bring them closer, and if it bothers Yanan he doesn’t comment on it. 

It’s been a while since they’ve seen each other, he can let Junhui indulge just this time. 

“I missed you,” Junhui whispers.

Yanan kiss his temple, “I missed you too. Congratulations on your play. You were amazing.”

They stay like this for a long time, and none of their friends bother to interrupt. It’s a moment shared between just the two of them. Maybe they’ve been like this a half an hour, Junhui isn’t so sure anymore. He takes all the time in the world, treats every second like eternity.

Time flows differently when you are with the right person. 

  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


_ “Hey Yanan?” Junhui’s head peeked from where it was buried in Yanan’s shirt.  _

_ Yanan was already looking at him, an unrivaled fondness in his eyes even Junhui couldn’t compete against. It made Junhui’s heart want to leap out of his chest, heavy with love and light with happiness, overwhelmed by the affection he felt for the other. _

_ Junhui wanted to tell him how safe Yanan made him feel, how fortunate he was to have him in his life, how he wanted him to stay by his side for as long as he will, but Junhui was never very good with words. Instead, he settled for much simpler words, words he could say every year, words he put all his emotions into each time. _

_ “Happy birthday.” _  
  


  
  



End file.
